Bar Jokes

[KF6IRK]

While visiting the local bar last night, some asshole looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I simply said, "You know, there's a tap underneath; you can have a taste to find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be over there talking with your friends, instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Obviously, yesterday."

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a really fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

 

[K6BRY]

Police pulled over a drunk driver and asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 attend a lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who lectures at midnight?!?
Man: My wife...

 

[Ballistic]

A Jew, a Hindu and a Redneck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

 

[K6BRY]

Bob,a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a$20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,"I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money...

 

[Crash Ash]

A blonde gets on a plane bound for Las Vegas and sits down in first class. The flight attendant tells her that her seat is in coach and she needs to move to the back of the plane where coach is. The blonde refuses to move and starts to throw a fit. By now the plane can't leave the gate till everyone is seated in their proper seat so the pilot comes into the cabin to speak to the blonde. He bends down and whispers into her ear and she kindly gets up and thanks the pilot and walks back to coach and sits down in her proper seat. The flight attendant kindly ask the pilot, what did you say to her? I informed her that only the back of the plane goes to Las Vegas.

 

[ki6ltp]

A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.


Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...

Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde,

'He has a licker license!'




Let's be happy while we are here!

 

[ki6ltp]

Old Cowboy

TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRAND DAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRAND DAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRAND CHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRAND CHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

 

[Crash Ash]

A Priest and a Rabbi were walking down the street and they spot a young boy waiting for the school bus. The Priest says to the Rabbi, you want to fuck him, and the Rabbi says, out of what?

 

[ki6ltp]

Buy a woman a drink?


A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,


"What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But, down at the end of the bar, owl-eyed Riley slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,


"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,


"What man here will buy a lady another drink?"


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,


"Give the ballerina another drink!"


The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina? "


Riley replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"