STORY TIME!!

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Ok Last one cause I think y'all are growing tired of my stories but this one is the most embarrassing of all. We've had an above ground pool for 24 yrs because we use Soft Swim instead of chlorine its lasted that long but this season it's coming down
And since we use Soft Swim I have to change the sand in the filter 3 times a summer. So about 18 yrs ago when this incident happened the sand only came in 100 pound bags it was time for me to pick up some pool chemicals and sand so like always a little gal named Christi waited on me, she was about 22yrs old 5ft 4 a really cute girl so I set my chemicals on the front desk and she rings everything up then asked if I needed anything else, and I said yeah I need a bag of sand so she rings that up and says just go around back and someone will be there to load it. I guess I should've mentioned that it was July and very hot so she was wearing short shorts.
When I pull around back I get out of the truck and let the tail gate down so when I turned around I expected to see a guy carrying the bag of sand but instead its Christi and she's bear hugging this 100 pound bag and kinda waddling towards the truck. So I scurried over to her to take the bag and since she's short I had to lean down quite a bit to get my hand underneath the bag so I'm trying to hurry so she doesn't hurt herself and in my haste I overshot the bag and I'm blindly groping everywhere including her private parts and when I realized what I was doing I jumped backwards and looked at her she's still hugging the bag, face all red, sweat running down her forehead . So I tried again and I overshot the bag again ! This time I kept groping until I found the bottom unfortunately I found the bottom of her and the bag. So after I take it from her I stepped back and said I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry I did not mean to do that. And she stood there for a second with this bewildered look on her face then through her hands in the air, rolled her eyes and stomped back into the store. I thought to myself that poor girl probably thinks I'm a pervert and did that on purpose, she gonna tell her boss, their gonna ban me from the store probably file a complaint, my wife will never believe this was an accident. So I leave thinking the worst and feeling like a idiot. Some time had passed and I had been back in the store a few times for some things, She never mentioned it and I never mentioned it then it was time for sand again. Well as usual she waited on me rang up my chemicals and she's filling out some paperwork, and not looking at me she asked do you need anything else. And I said kind of sheepishly yeah I need a 100 pound bag of sand then I tapped her on the wrist and said but I'll load it myself today, then she looks up and smiles saying O YOUR DEFINITELY LOADING IT YOURSELF TODAY ! Thank goodness she didn't hold a grudge against me.

 

[Tallman]

When I was about 3 or 4 years old we moved to a house that was close to my dad's work that was close enough to see from the house.
Actual picture of the steam plant follows.

When I was a young kid I lived in a constant state alertness/fear. I had two older brothers that did not like my late intrusion into the family. Jumping out of dark places at me and giving me a punch for flinching. Our house was located right in the middle of a rail road switch yard. That house would never have been built if there were zoning codes in place. There were two tracks to the right of the house and four tracks to the left. I felt safer playing in the switch yard than at home with brothers around.
I had fun times there. My first exposure to fireworks was at that house. One July 4th my dad spent some bucks on fireworks. He put a cherry bomb under a five gallon bucket lit it and ran as fast as he could. The loudest sound I had ever heard in my life was that explosion. The Five gallon can almost went into orbit. I was standing a good distance away from it and watched the can go straight up and disappeared from sight.
Seemed like forever before it hit the ground with a clatter. Shortly after the police show up and drag my father off to jail. Seems like one of the neighbors reported him for making too much noise.
I had lots of fun things to play with, Grass Snakes, Common Brown Snakes, Possums, and cats and dogs that people just tossed out of a car. When Mom would do the laundry I would hear her shriek and call my name. I had to let my latest addition to the Wild Kingdom loose. I overheard her complain to my dad and he said the only way I can fix this is to move. Six weeks later my play ground was history.

 

[Redbeard U812]

Working in Construction has many memorial occasions, recall a time when lunches were being pilfered from the old refrigerator in the fab shop. Seems someone was continually hungry and the crane operator's lunch was, usually but not always, the sandwiches bandits favorite.

This had gone on for weeks, and most of us just kept our lunch boxes around our fab table or convenient location. Not the crane operator, he had to keep his in the refrigerator for some dumb reason. Others too. The pickings had gotten slim for the sandwiches bandit, and he had obviously been real hungry. Rather than just take an item or two, he started taking the whole bag.

We worked nights, a rowdy bunch of rogues, and not above beating the damned fool half to death. Many times I had shared my lunch with those who lost their's. This was getting old, and we had enough. Mike, the crane operator, had just had it, got his lunch jacked again.

I knew something was off in a bad way, Mike had gone silent, always fun loving fool poking at us while sitting there. Realized by lunch, midnight, he was was not eating. By now several of us always brought and extra sandwiches, offered him one of mine, reluctantly he took it. He was more pissed than anything. He was the guy in the rig with the best view of entire shop from center stage. The sandwich bandit had struck and was damned good.

Mike calmly stated, while eating, that he was gonna get that SOB.

Next night, Mike was back to his jovial games and comments. We were rock'n and rolling, nights always outperformed days, really pissed the day regulars off. We had been smoking days for weeks with fit up and weld count. Was out on the floor rigging up for several welders on rollout machines, got them set up and was headed back to my fab table when Mike hollered at me.

Had to climb up the rig because he was being discreet. Mike instructed me to watch the bathroom door. What? Why?

He tells me he got that mfr. "Well, let's go in and get him, the superintendent is just as pissed. Mike says no need, just wait.

Sure nuf, moments later guys comes out gagging and choking. Mike's laughing his ass off, hollering "I got you, you Son of a Bitch!"

The guy was pale for a black guy, doing dry heaves and puking. He looked at Mike with contempt and proceeded to puke his guts out making his way to the shop door.

Bout then foreman walks in from other side and sees this mess. Asked me what happened. All I know is the guy got sick. But knowing Mike had done something terrible, but I had no clue.

Foreman goes to find the sick guy outside. The sandwich bandit came in the side door, punched his card and disappeared back out quickly. Foreman never found him.

A while latter Mike pulls me to the side, and confides in me. He had noticed over time the the sandwich bandit had an affinity for pimento cheese sandwiches. Soo......Mike had set him up good.

Mike had defecated on the bread slice and ringed it with pimento cheese. I doubt that fella ever wanted another pimento cheese sandwich.

 

[Tallman]

Mike had defecated on the bread slice and ringed it with pimento cheese. I doubt that fella ever wanted another pimento cheese sandwich.

I think I just quit those myself. YUCH!

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Ooooo that's nasty

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

I feel kinda bad about this one ,but I guess we all do stuff we feel bad about. when I was in high school a kid named Earl would bum a dip of skoal off me, and he was one of those guys that would take half a can when he'd take a dip, so I got tired of him bumming off me every day and devised a plan. I got dressed out for baseball practice and hurried to the ball field, our ball field was across the road from a pasture that had a couple of donkeys in it. So I skipped the fence and gathered up some dried up donkey crap and put it in an old skoal can I had and added a pinch of good tobacco to it and a drop of water, and shook it all up until it looked ligetiment. So along comes Earl and as usual he bumms a dip from me, I hand him my can and say take all you want I've got another can. So he loaded up three fingers of snuff and asked if that was to much and I told him take what you want I've got plenty. So poor Earl puts this huge dip of snuff in his lip and we're all standing there talking and he says it seems a little dry, and I said yeah it's been on the dash of my truck it might have dried out a little. Then he gets this look on his face and asked what is this crap? And I pointed to the donkey across the road and said, you see that donkey over there. and Earl says yeah, and I said it's his crap. Needless to say he never asked for another dip of skoal again. Yeah I feel kinda bad about that one.

 

[Redbeard U812]

I feel kinda bad about this one ,but I guess we all do stuff we feel bad about. when I was in high school a kid named Earl would bum a dip of skoal off me, and he was one of those guys that would take half a can when he'd take a dip, so I got tired of him bumming off me every day and devised a plan. I got dressed out for baseball practice and hurried to the ball field, our ball field was across the road from a pasture that had a couple of donkeys in it. So I skipped the fence and gathered up some dried up donkey crap and put it in an old skoal can I had and added a pinch of good tobacco to it and a drop of water, and shook it all up until it looked ligetiment. So along comes Earl and as usual he bumms a dip from me, I hand him my can and say take all you want I've got another can. So he loaded up three fingers of snuff and asked if that was to much and I told him take what you want I've got plenty. So poor Earl puts this huge dip of snuff in his lip and we're all standing there talking and he says it seems a little dry, and I said yeah it's been on the dash of my truck it might have dried out a little. Then he gets this look on his face and asked what is this crap? And I pointed to the donkey across the road and said, you see that donkey over there. and Earl says yeah, and I said it's his crap. Needless to say he never asked for another dip of skoal again. Yeah I feel kinda bad about that one.

We used to fix them "drag liners"......
"Can I bum a dip?"
"Sure....."

Ya pull out your can and spit in it, close it back up and hand it to them.

Works everytime.

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

This was told to me by a guy I used to work with named Randall. Well Randall and a buddy went to New Orleans to shoot pool and party like most twentysomethings do I suppose. While at a bar Randall noticed a good looking gal eyeballing him so he takes her outside to fool around. He said she led him down an alleyway to an old shack but the door was locked and they couldn't get in so they just fooled around outside. He said after a few minutes he thought boy this alley stinks like all get out, then he realized it wasn't the alley. He said I dropped her like a hot rock and went back to get my buddy and head on home. When he got home his little brother was asleep on the couch so he thought good I'll wake him up like he always does me, but before he could his brother woke up and asked did you get sprayed by a skunk? Randall told him to shut up and went to take a bath, he said I kicked my drawers off and tried to hide them under the clawfoot tub right up next to the wall. The next day when he came home from work, he walked through the front door and his momma said boy what did you get into? He said nothing, why? Then he walked into the kitchen and his momma had a big pot on the stove so he walked over to see what she was boiling and when he went to stir the pot he seen it was his underwear. So when whenever we would smell a skunk on the way to the rig, I'd look at him and say Randall when we get off work you better boil those underwear. And he would say SHUT UP WALLY! To this day everytime I smell a skunk I think about Randall's momma boiling his underwear.

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

When my daughter was about 4 or 5 years old my dad's dog was over at my house and his business was sticking out to put it nicely, and ofcourse my daughter noticed and asked daddy what's that? And I thinking I'm doing the right thing answer that his penis, and quickly my wife scolded me and said you shouldn't have told her that! I said why, that's what what it is. Well a few months later the Arkansas, Oklahoma state fair rolls into Ft. Smith, and we take our daughter to the fair, They had a little exhibit called Old McDonald's farm, with chickens, ducks, goats, all kinds of little farm animals for little kids to get a up close look at. I guess I should have mentioned my daughter always talked very well, it was very easy to understand her. So we get to a little pen that had a tiny little potbelly pig and my daughter and about 10 other little kids all huddled together looking at the pig, and all of a sudden my daughter raised up and hollered at me DADDY, I CAN SEE THAT PIGS PENIS! Instantly every parent there looks directly at me. So I walked over trying not to look at every one looking at me, take my daughter's little hand and say come on peanut let's go look at the chickens. Meanwhile my wife had already walked about 50 yards away pretending not to know us, when we finally caught up to her the first thing she said was, I told you not to tell her that.
That was one that came back to bite me.

 

[Big Kahuna]

I've told this story hundreds of times but this is the first time ever writing it down so I'll do my best.

____________________________________________________________________

A long time ago I worked for a laid-back equipment company and we had an office area for our inside sales team (we talked to our dealers and took orders, etc.). There were 7 of us and we each had our own desk but space was a little tight so all of the desks were near each other except for two that were about 12 feet away on the other side of the room.

Our office was dog friendly (this was in the days before having dogs in the office was a trendy thing) the president would bring his dog in regularly and so would a couple of other people around the office. Most of the time there were no issues aside for the occasional dog bomb that was found on the carpet and cleaned up promptly.

Our manager at the time sat at one of the two further away desks and she would bring in her little fluffy dog called Eddie. I don't know the breed but it was a little fluffy lap size dog that most of the time just sat under her desk.

Our newest hire (Allison) sat at the other desk near her and on one of her first days at work she met Eddie and freaked out because she had the exact same breed dog at home and his name was Eddie too! So the two ladies proceeded to talk about how cool it would be to get the two Eddies together some day. That day happened two weeks later.

Both ladies brought their Eddies to the office and the two owners thought it was the cutest thing ever and the two dogs immediately started playing and jumping and running around. And I can say, the two dogs looked exactly the same so it was pretty weird they were identical and both named Eddie.

The manager had a meeting so she left our office area, and the other lady sat down to answer calls from dealers. It was a busy morning and we were all getting calls and were all on the phone and the room would get pretty noisy with everyone talking.

The two dogs had been playing for about an hour, fairly quietly with just some little growls here and there but I noticed the growling was growing louder and louder and the sound was coming from right in front of my desk. I peeked over my desk and was surprised to find that Eddie # 1 has mounted Eddie # 2 and was doing the doggie humpty dance.

Now they both were boys so obviously nothing serious is really happening but the dog that was mounted was growling in an angry manner, and Eddie on top was making a weird happy growling/howling noise that I can't accurately describe. The dog noise had gotten so loud though I had to apologize and tell the dealer on the phone that I'd call them back.

I hung up and started yelling across the room to Allison (the recent hire). "Allison, your dog is on top of the other dog!".

She was on the phone and was mouthing "What?" at me. So I had to yell across the room "Allison, your dog is humping the other dog!". Now I had her attention and she looked over and saw her dog and realized what was going on. By now the dogs had moved near another desk belonging to a nice quiet lady who is also busy on the phone and is looking annoyed at all the extra noise but can't see the dogs in front of her desk.

Allison jumped up and came running across the room and started trying to grab her Eddie (who is on top) and was yelling "Stop it Eddie, stop it", but the dog was not letting go easily. She finally gave a big pull and the dogs separated and she lifted her Eddie into the air - she was holding him out away from her body with two hands around his middle so he's in an upright position and facing away from her - and that's when Eddie let loose.

Now I've owned a few dogs but I've never personally seen a dog reach completion, nor a small dog for that matter, and when Eddie let loose I don't know if it was just a lot of pressure in a small hose but he had some serious super soaker squirt gun type distance. Stuff started flying across the office and was hitting the front of the desk of the nice quiet lady that I had mentioned. Allison, in the midst of breaking up the dogs was looking down and trying to push Eddie 2 back towards her side of the office with her legs so she hadn't realized that her dog was going off like a sprinkler and because she's holding him out away from her body every time she moved it sprayed in a different direction.

I was trying to get her attention - "Allison, Allison, the dog is ....the dog is..." and finally I had to yell it at her "Allison, your dog is c***ing everywhere!!!", she then pulled Eddie close to her and peeked around his front and saw what was happening and tried to block it with her hand and aim it at the floor and ran out of the room with the dog yelling "OMG, OMG".

About this time everyone else is getting off their calls as they couldn't continue with all the noise and the nice quiet lady who never got upset turns to me and says "What the hell is going on?". I then try to explain as tactfully as I can that she has dog stuff on the front of her desk and she probably will want to move away from the desk for a little while at which point she got up and looked, gasped, and then grabbed her purse and left the office for the day.

Allison appeared a couple of minutes later with bunches of paper towel and did her best to clean the evidence off of the desks and floor and the Eddies were taken out to their cars for the rest of the day.

The next day we received a corporate memo saying that our policy had changed and dogs were no longer allowed in the office.

To this day when people ask me about how I feel about dogs in the office I always reply "Dogs don't belong in the office", to which they reply "But why not?", and I reply "Let me tell you a story...".

For reference Eddie(s) looked something like this -

Representation of how dog was being held during the incident -

 

[TheRealPorkchop]

Well, why not...

When I was a kid, me and mom got moved to this crappy place out in the desert. She worked as a maid (they called her a slave) and I worked part time doing electrical crap at this peddler shop.

One day this guy showed up and said I was chosen, I had no idea what for. I kinda thought maybe he was a pedo but he said I could drive his ride and it was pretty shiny, chromed out. So off I went, left my mom behind and moved far, far away.

Got to be good friends with this one guy, think he was a pot head maybe, he talked about this force thing all the time. I never saw it but went along with his crazy stories and hallucinations, you don’t want to upset a dude that’s high or sleep walking. We ended up having a falling out and he pushed me in a river of lava, well, close to it anyway.

I got some bad burns, ended up with my lungs singed and ended up on a freaking respirator.

Then there’s this project I had, I’ll save that for another story time though...

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Dang!!!! Chosen for a human sacrifice sounds like.

 

[TheRealPorkchop]

Nah, he kept telling me I was supposed to be one to lead these Jet Eyes or something like that, Jedi maybe? Honestly I have these voices in me that tell me to do somewhat bad things, I just couldn’t get with that dudes program.

 

[Tallman]

Brings to mind what I told me son when he two dogs humping at a fevered pitch.
Asked in the usual way "Hey Daddy what are those dogs doing?"
I told him the dog on the bottom has a flat tire and the top dog is trying to pump it up for him. I left it at that only to here him tell his older sister, You know that Dad thinks that one of those dogs has a flat tire and the other one is trying to pump it up. Both were laughing it up. So I just let it lay, good for a few giggles. They learned a lesson that day that daddy will pull your leg if you make it easy to do.

Another time a few years later we were driving by a field that had a beautiful stand of clover and as the wind blew gently through it it looked like the tails of fish waving back and forth. It just happened there was a sign that said,"Cedar Creek Fish Farm."
I told him all of the fish are planted face down in jars. and when they harvest they just yank the jars out of the ground and dump the fish in to a trailer with water. He still has not forgiven me for that one forty years later.

A niece from a particularly disagreeable sister in law was visiting and there was no way to have a conversation when those two were there.niece was whining all the time mom screaming all the time at the whiner. The whiner had just found a stash of kittens that were not old enough to give away. She found one that the colors she liked and would not put it down. It was purring so I figured what he hell. After a while it was sweat soaked and had quit purring. She asked what was wrong with it and I told her that its milk motor had run out and needed to refuel with it mama. 20 minutes later kitten had been bathed and refueled and the show was on again, milk motor and all.
Many years later the whiner and I crossed paths. She was even more tense that usual and all of a sudden she explodes at me telling I made her to appear as an idiot when she told some of her high school cohorts the milk motor story. They razzed her quit a bit but eventually let her slide. The wanted to meet her fabulous story telling uncle.

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Tallman, we kinda think alike.
I got this story from my Dad and past it on to my daughter. We've always had dog's, so one day the dog's were sniffing each other's butt and my daughter asked me why do they do that? So my Dads story popped in my head and I said well it been that way ever since the Great Fire, she looked at me funny and said what? I said yeah a long time ago all the dog's had a big barn dance, and when they came into the barn they all had to hang their butt holes on a coat hook, so while the dance was going on the barn caught on fire and in a big panic they all ran out of the barn and just grabbed whatever butt hole they could on the way out. So everyone got the wrong one and they've been been sniffing each other ever since the great fire trying to find the butt hole that belongs to them.
So one day my daughter and I were on the porch swing, she's now 28, and the dogs were butt sniffing each other, and she laughed and said, it's been that way ever since the great fire, lol
I guess she's gonna pass it on to her kids someday, if she ever has any.